Siri is Spiteful

I know what you’re thinking. Phones don’t have personalities. They cannot make moral decisions to like or dislike someone.

It’s not true. Siri dislikes me. It’s a fact. How do I know? She’s spiteful.

Like when I text my pastor and she exchanges the word “list” for “lust.”

She knows I cannot see without my glasses. She knows I speak my texts while in the car. She has me over the proverbial middle-aged-can’t-see-my-phone barrel so she capitalizes on it. And I don’t mean punctuation.

I know Apple is user-friendly. I’ve attended several classes on computer use at their store. They even have teaching videos to learn all about each program in my computer. Why don’t they teach Siris to be user-friendly?

Why not sponsor a human resource class put on by the head Siri to teach other Siris how to treat their users? A sort of iFriendly class for phones. It’s probably useless since Human Resource Siri probably has a chip on her shoulder, too. (No pun intended.)

I know I’m dumb. But Siri doesn’t need to be snarky when I ask her to look up something on the Internet.

“Pauline! You will have to UNLOCK your phone first.” She probably discusses it with other Siris during their break. “Do you know what Pauline did?” (Phone snickers abound.)

She also conveniently forgets my good friends. I’ll say, “Call Keri-Rose.” Siri responds, “I don’t see her in your contacts. Would you like me to call the gym instead—because you need to go there.”

Sometimes, she pulls the silent treatment. Like when I leave home. I’ll ask her to look something up and instead of responding with her spiteful Siri voice, there is a long pause and then I’ll read, “I’m having a problem right now, try later.”

Wouldn’t you know I’d get Personal Problems Siri.

I’m stuck with her. An upgrade is out of the question. And who wants a new improved Siri? For all I know, she’ll be even more sarcastic. Super Spiteful Siri.

No thanks.

For now, I’m keeping her. I hope she doesn’t find out about this post. I don’t think she can read. However, I might be in trouble when I sync my computer next.

You won’t tell her, will you?

5 Comments on "Siri is Spiteful"

  1. Carey says:

    I read that Apple is looking for a new Siri “voice”. I guess they should be looking for an entirely new Siri personality. Glad I don’t have an “I” phone. I’d throw her out the car window at high speed.

  2. Lucia Rider says:

    the new Siri voice should be that of Maybelle Estelle.

  3. Pauline Hylton says:

    I appreciate your comments Carey and Lucia. I think Siri should be a man with a voice a combination of Hugh Jackman and Arnold I can’t spell his last name. They would never sound condescending.

  4. Melinda Stortenbecker says:

    this is hilarious – my Android also has a personality disorder although I don’t have to listen to it in that Siri dialect, it just types stuff for me to read. and that’s why I still carry maps around in my car.

  5. Pauline Hylton says:

    Hey Melinda. I don’t carry maps, but I do watch what I say around my phone. I’m afraid she’ll send me to the wrong place. Accidentally, of course.

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