You Don’t Know Me, But I Know You

You don’t know me, but I know you.

I’m the one who changes your toilet paper roll.

You may be shocked to know that. You thought perhaps it was your thoughtful husband, or your attentive children. It is not. They have no idea that there is an actual device inserted into the toilet paper roll—much less do they have the inclination to change it. They believe toilet paper magically floats in the bathroom like candlesticks at Hogwart’s.

But, it’s really me. Everywhere I go, there is toilet paper that needs to be changed. There is always my bathroom. The dispenser is always empty. Recently, I went to visit my grad-school-daughter, and when I entered her bathroom after my 5-hour-car ride, of course, the paper needed changing. Arriving home after my 3-day-trip, there was a roll out, but not in the dispenser. Sometimes, I have to visit our main bath to retrieve said paper, only to find that I need to replace that paper, too.

It’s really okay. I consider myself the TP Goodwill Ambassador. Because of my noble work, there are not conversations like this all over America:

“Hey!” Wife says with great fervor, “Don’t you ever even think of hanging the toilet paper on the toilet paper roll!”

Long silence, followed by a faraway male voice. “You mean it hangs onto something?”

Now you hear the sound of doors slamming.

Today, I’m writing at Barnes and Noble. I made a visit to the ladies room and of course, the mechanical paper holder was empty. Being the resourceful TP Goodwill Ambassador, I pushed some magic button, and voila, the rolls shifted.

My work is important. Kind of like Santa. No, I don’t come down the chimney since I live in Florida. That wouldn’t be practical.

Here is what is practical. Leaving me cookies. Changing all those TP rolls is exhausting. Instead of by the fireplace, please put them in the, err, um,…kitchen.

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