It had been one of those terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad, days and I was contemplating a move to Australia.
The farming, marketing, processing, and livestocking was about to kill me. Not to mention the fact I’m still a wife, homemaker, daughter, and church member. Everyday I got up looked at my list, checked it off and just like Pinocchio’s nose, when I got up the next morning it grew.
So a few weeks ago, after I’d had an especially taxing morning, I pushed Mom onto our front porch. We gazed over the 10 acre field dotted with colored leaves. My heart churned with anxiety and ungratefulness.
I glanced at Mom in her wheelchair. At 94, her life consists of eating, sleeping, watching TV, and reading when her eyes allow. She is dependent on caregivers to aid her in bathing, walking, and toiletry. Sometimes she gets out once a week and sometimes she doesn’t.
I had a thought. Maybe I could do one thing right. I’d try to be a better daughter and caregiver. “Mom, if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be?” I calculated the extensive list of circumstances and people I’d change.
Without missing a beat she replied. “Not a thing.”
I couldn’t believe it. “You mean you can’t think of anything you would change about your situation.?” I observed her worn face with skin that is breaking down.
“No, not really.”
I hadn’t even asked her for advice, yet her simple words spoke volumes. My eyes watered. My heart bowed low.
I say I believe in the sovereignty of God, but I’d been living like I’m the sovereign one.
Like Moses, I’m in a desert place. A place where I have to be dependent on God. Not my friends, not my church, not my family, but on Him. It’s a hard place to be.
Years ago, I studied the book of Isaiah and claimed a verse as my own.
“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Is. 30:15.
I repented. And I’m trying to rest. Not work but trust. I need to talk less and pray more.
It’s a hard place to be, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Besides, who wants to move to Australia?